Meet Me In The Kwan Yin Room

The Torrid Past of My Blog

I haven’t been blogging for a very long time; something shy of about a year. I did have an old blog prior to this one, with my old moniker/screen name.

The humorous and embarrassing thing with that, however, was that it was also my screen name for some very amateur “art film” shorts I did that, to my surprise,were quite popular.

I was so proud of my work at the time, I would show my face, tattoos, and other distinguishable features that clearly “outed” my identity in these said “art films”.

Within a year, I developed a small but persistent, and at times, frightening following of “fans.” In my arrogance in attempting to be “anti-establishment”, I also used the SAME screen name for those “art films” for everything else I did online, which made my identity fairly easy to find via Facebook, MySpace„Blogspot, as well as the other “alternative” websites…(heh heh)..

At first it was pushy “admirers”, who bombarded my inbox with tons of requests and promises that,I will admit, did wonders for my insecurities and desperate desire for validation. The requests began to become demands, and it was with some feelings of guilt I started to block a few of these guys. “This is what Katy Perry must feel like when a fan turns into a fiend”, I vainly thought to myself.

Then it became a bit more personal; In the early days of MySpace, my page (much like so many others) had no privacy control, and it was with excitement that I could showcase my favorite music, quote, and personal pictures for everyone to find. We all at that time were probably very unaware of the dangers of making so much personal information available at the whim of a mouse-click.

On MySpace, you had your page (or your “wall”) that all of your friends could post on. It could be as innocent as a glittering balloon-and-hearts icon saying,”Friends Forever”, or a family member (in my case,my Grandma) sending an invitation for a family BBQ (complete with address and directions), and her request I bring apple strudel.

I started getting “love notes” in extremely graphic detail from strangers. Sometimes, these surprise confessions on my page were entertaining; it again did wonders for my desire for validation.

It started getting weird when, in between a “thank you for the strudel” message from Grandma, was a very sexually detailed “thank you” note for my videos, from a guy I blocked on that other site!

What the hell? I thought to myself! I quickly deleted the message and wrote it off as a fluke. No sooner then a few hours later, another new message appeared from this same guy, even more sexually charged, this time posting a picture of himself with a rose in his teeth next to a fuzzy home printed photo of me from one of those “art films.”

Shit, I thought. This is getting creepy. I’m not ashamed of the work I’ve done, it’s just something I didn’t want to have my entire realm of family, friends, and coworkers discover all at the same time, online!

I deleted the message again, and sent a request to the MySpace moderators to block this MySpace-monster. This guy had the qualities to be a stalker, but I refused to use that word. It gets so overused, and I hardly felt like I was being stalked..yet.

For a few days, the MySpace fiasco simmered, and I luckily erased any trace of what had taken place, especially from the innocence of my Grandma’s world-wide-web experience. Not that she couldn’t have handled seeing internet porn or dirty emails, I just didn’t want to break her into it with the discovery of her own grandson’s handy work, especially where he was the “star.”

A year or two passed; MySpace looses it’s popularity and Facebook is the new face of Social-Chic.

I had kept up with my blogspot account, writing antidotes and funny recollections about work that my coworkers reveled in, submitting the better blogs  to other “underground sites” for employees of large corporations that  dish the dirt on customers, bosses, and policies. I had kept the same moniker/screen name, and didn’t realize that my blogspot page had a separate email inbox. An inbox that was filled to capacity from emails from that SAME guy I had blocked before!

This was getting out of control. I had foolishly shared where I lived at, how close I was to the beach, and other details on the blog that, with a little google scouring , could pinpoint a general vacinity of where I dwelled.

I had already received a dozen chocolate roses a month ago from a “secret admirer”, and wrote it off as a friend being silly. It turned out it was my fan, who now knew where I lived at, and despite him being states away,the blog inbox  emails were laden with the promise of coming to find his “fetish fantasy ” by the sea; ME!

It was funny, and it was freaky. What the hell was I gonna do? I may have been a tough “dominant master” in those “art films”, but the real me that was freaking out felt a lot like Jodie Foster in “Panic Room.”

I decided to close my blog account, and get rid of any and all accounts linked with my screen name. I felt like Tupac, Elvis, even Michael Jackson (sans the kids), faking my own (online) death.  I dropped off all social sites, and tried to lay low after emailing my “admirer”, thanking him for his dedication (and the tasty chocolate roses) but was choosing a life of celibacy with a religious sect in Canada.

Within a week, I received an edible arrangement fruit basket with a note of thanks and good luck. It was really sweet. There was also a standing offer for his undying true love and his vow to wait until I returned, enlightened, and ready to make new “art films”. That was sweet..and creepy.

So now, the new, cleaner, and revamped (reborn if you will) blog. It does have some baggage, like Mary J. Blige sang about, and like the baggage we all carry from our experiences good and bad. But its with these experiences, these carry-ons and roll-aways that make up the humorous journey to the moment of new. And the moment of now.

Welcome to my blog.